Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?

me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”

ME: Let’s go get some chicks

[later]

FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind

ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe

If social media platforms were weddings:

FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception

IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback

Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!

As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now

Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”

The Lion In Me:

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.

gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat

gorilla optometrist: uh oh

ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!

MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.

I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.

Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.

Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.

Make me look younger

Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.

I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.

The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.

My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.

“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.

It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.

Me: Good night Moon

Moon:

Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!

911 what’s your emergency?

Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me

911: How is that an emergency?

Me: It’s attached to her gun

I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.

I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.

OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.

ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.

nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper

Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.

Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.