I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
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Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.