I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
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“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
do u think theres a butter planet?
Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
