i hope this email finds you fast and furious
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*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
my nickname in college
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks