Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help

Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.

starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country

Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*

Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats

i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion

ME: [standing in the rain]

STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella

ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.

we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,

9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”

Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…

9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”

My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.

9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.

I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.

Just kidding. Could you imagine?

Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.

happy valentine’s day to me

your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go

I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic

“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume

According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.

My current diet all ends with an S.

Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.

Christian: You need Jesus in your life

Me: But I can’t find him

Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*

Boxing and fencing

Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences

Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.

Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.

Twitter

I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them

*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*

Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅