I hope this email finds you in a well
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American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
I got bills
They’re multiplying
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB