I hope this email finds you in a well
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I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Worst perfume name ever.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
these two trucks have the same bed length
Graphic novels are awesome if you need your kids occupied for 7.5 minutes at the cost of $30.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes