I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.
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GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Packing for a 2 day trip like I’m gunna shit my pants 3 times and go swimming
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.