“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
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STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
I can’t wait!
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
[eats all your cotton candy]
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season