“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
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Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
A horror story in seven words
Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.