“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
You Might Also Like
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed