“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
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Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*