“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
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Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.