“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
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You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
I don’t actually have to be rich I just need access to the parallel universe where I already am rich and just borrow money from me. What am I gonna say no? I wouldn’t, but that’s just me and sometimes I surprise myself.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
What’s so funny?
only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.