“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
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Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.