I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
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My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all