I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
You Might Also Like
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”