I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
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Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
This is a bad sign
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
BRO LMFAO
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Never mess with a drunken pig.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Camel dough
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.
I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.