I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
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i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
*serious situation*
My brain:
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
not seeing the problem
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right