“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
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You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Happens to everyone.
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.