Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!

People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.

Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.

I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water

They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon

A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own

8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard

6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda

“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.

Arranged my own kidnapping.

Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.

I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.

Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??

I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?

All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.

I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.

Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?

the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat

You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.

i’m having this made into a welcome mat

I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.

The fall of Netflix

Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.

boss: you’re fired

me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?

Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.

Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses

A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.

Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.

HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.

Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.

[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”