I hope this email punches you square in the face
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[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
My first child will be named New Folder.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.