I hope this email punches you square in the face
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I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
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*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
me: lmao i saw it on twitter
them: what’s your twitter
me: i don’t have twitter
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.