Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
I hope this flight attendant noticed how promptly I returned my seat back and tray table to their full upright position.
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CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Joe Biden is such a dad. 😂
If I died and went directly to hell it would take me a month to realize I wasn’t at work.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Do the right thing.
Not right away, but like after you get called out.
You guys I found this new great birth control called pregnant women posting pictures on Facebook.