I hope this flight attendant noticed how promptly I returned my seat back and tray table to their full upright position.

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Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.


If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.


If I died and went directly to hell it would take me a month to realize I wasn’t at work.


My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said

One hundred and fat


“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”

– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out


*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly


Do the right thing.

Not right away, but like after you get called out.


You guys I found this new great birth control called pregnant women posting pictures on Facebook.