@yonewt

I hope this flight attendant noticed how promptly I returned my seat back and tray table to their full upright position.

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@BradBroaddus

Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.

@CulturedRuffian

CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.

@TheOneTrueDisco

If I died and went directly to hell it would take me a month to realize I wasn’t at work.

@Vanilla_cupcak

My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said

One hundred and fat

@iwearaonesie

“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”

– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out

@weenbeans

*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly

@Underchilde

Do the right thing.

Not right away, but like after you get called out.

@dysalexia

You guys I found this new great birth control called pregnant women posting pictures on Facebook.