Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this meeting could have been a push down the stairs

My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.

If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?

Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE

OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.

Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.

8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.

Me: You’re holding nunchucks.

8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.

“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”

~Bowling pins

for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english

here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”

…i mean VERY BAD TRIP

If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”

Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.

“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion

Me: you need to do your homework

9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself

My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”

But I just call a spayed a spayed.

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I don’t even know why I exist.

Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce

*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*

I wish I had a better metabolism

I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here

MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula

WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing

Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.

Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄

Nigella has gone too far this time.

john wicks are toilet candles

Truly one of the great bangers

I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.

My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.

I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings

I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.

Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please

Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store

Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please

you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house