I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.
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Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
how to have an accident 101
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
