I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.
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Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Childbirth is so beautiful
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.