Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.

*goes to hell

Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?

If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.

Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch

At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.

Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?

Me: Misread the brochure I have.

In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.

Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.

Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.

Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.

I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.

which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills

If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.

Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together

How I flirt with my husband:

I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk

I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?

Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes

can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.

A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.

Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!

Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger

Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”

Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years

cop: where u headed

me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat

cop: [handing me his gun] good luck

Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.

While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times

“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes

Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝

Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!

[8 years later]

Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.

Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.

If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.