Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I think the washer went out

Me: What time will it be back?

Wife: Please get my suitcase

When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK

[stranded on a desert island]

*finds a message in a bottle*

hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?

The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.

is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan

Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?

I’d pay extra for that one.

If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.

Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.

God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.

Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over

Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.

FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich

If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.

crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it

Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.

Is it because I’m brown??

One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.

I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.

Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.

After: sit down.

“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”

*at reading of my will*

Executor: *opens envelope*

‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’

Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works

No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.

ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo

ME: *way too loud* A granaconda

ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS

1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS

♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫

Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.

Customize Your Wedding.

I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”

Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.