I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
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Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
My dress code is business-casualty.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”