Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.

MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]

ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this

Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.

I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.

Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….

Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?

Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.

Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.

being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.

Me :

All Day At Night

Should have let Marvel produce 2020.

I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!

My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!

wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?

Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store

Price: $7.04

“No way”

Price: $6.94

“Now we’re talking”

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery

Therapist: Talk about your friends.

Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…

T: That’s a Billy Joel song.

Me: You’re no fun.

if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.

The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.

Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep

Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation

*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*

I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.

Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.

20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels

…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.

Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope

There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore

Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere

I love art.

[2 months into relationship]

HER: you’ve changed

ME: [proudly] showered, too

At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.

I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.