Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.

If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.

I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.

Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.

Date: everything ok?

Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife

Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?

Me: tonight if you play your cards right

My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear

My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x

[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!

Talk to your kids about drugs.

Maybe they have better connections than you.

My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: can I give some feedback?

me: what did I just say

facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks

I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?

i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither

Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.

I would never let MY child act like that.

-things my friends without kids say.

“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*

They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope

[The Gorge in the Pride lands]

Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?

Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum

I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.

I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”

meow

At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.

Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing

Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.

Plus, I’m 35

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

Me: *nods in agreement

Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about

When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica