Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4yo: can you get this open for me?

Me: oomph this is kinda tough

4yo: use your claws

[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon

10 signs that he’s just not that into you

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8.
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10. He is a cat.

January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.

So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”

“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”

– Me, to my coffee

What’s so funny?

Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.

I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.

ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!

ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.

My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.

I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers

Me, flirting

If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude

You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.

Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it

I can never eat just one Christmas ornament

H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?

Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*

Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits

Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.

Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …

love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue

barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers

Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:

M-What do I have to do?

F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.

Mission accomplished.

[Mom group]

New mom: My six-month-old is teething.

My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.

Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.

How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?

I like long walks away from everyone

*cop pulls me over*

Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?

Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?

*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*

*first date*

Her: I’m a bit of a night owl

Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl

H: Well, aren’t you a hoot