I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
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God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
*Drunk dials Mr. Clean
My house is soooooo dirty right now.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
yo who decided that the standard lullabies for children are about people dying of bubonic plague or baby cradles falling out of trees
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid