Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: How long till school starts?

Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.

I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”

I am also baked goods

When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.

[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*

Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.

There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.

If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.

I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.

[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: Street magic

I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS

You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.

The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.

*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*

*audience claps politely*

Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.

I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”

Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.

Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.

She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.

2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think

2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam

I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids

Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…

What’s your favorite song about not being able to touch this?

the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them

When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.

Have a lovely day 😊

tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing

My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.