I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
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My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”
I’m crying im so happy for them
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
I’m tired tomorrow.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
I feel like people just come to the airport to cough
Wikigenius
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!