I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
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My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
next question.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Nooooooooo!!!
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