Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you

I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.

You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.

FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die

wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous

If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂

[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg

My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.

God: you’re a fire ant.

Fire Ant: what does that mean?

God: when you bite something it burns like fire.

Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?

God: what-no.

Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!

there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks

The Punning Dead.

In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.

*wins $1000*

To claim your prize, create an account and password.

Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.

Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh

[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet

A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.

I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions

ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way

Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?

Parenthood. It’s for you

The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.

[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket

Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.

Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.

ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now

Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?

Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.

Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”

Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.

That’s amazing.

I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..

…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:

“This isn’t for me.”

me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?

her: wedding attire?

me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man

People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.