“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
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Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
“I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ― Angus Young, AC/DC
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.