“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
You Might Also Like
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
It’s on my to-do list.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.