I hope to one day be as happy as my dad when he puts his car in reverse and says “ah, this takes me back”
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Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy