I hope to one day be as happy as my dad when he puts his car in reverse and says “ah, this takes me back”
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Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
I don’t understand why I can’t find a girlfriend. I have a good job where I’m my own boss. I own a boat. I have lots of friends. I have a peg leg and an eye patch and a hook for a hand
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅