Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:

1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the death

If you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”

bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point

ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.

My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child

The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.

I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice

Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.

My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.

Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.

My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.

Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd

[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*

The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above

Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!

I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.

That is why I don’t flirt

If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.

I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.

So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”

ME: *Donates my body to science*

SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.

It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…

“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”

– Joan of Arc

Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼

Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?

I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.

*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.

I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.

I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien

If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.

“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein

Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.

My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.