I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry
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Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
But I really needed water water water
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Yup….perfect score!
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.