I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
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I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
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the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
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I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
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I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others