I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
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Monday Lisa
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?
Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?
8: No.
Now I’m definitely going.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
This headline is a thing of beauty
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago