Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.

*me in the shower*

My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.

Me: WHAT!

2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son

*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*

Well, there’s always next year

me: I got a cookie just for donating blood

friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood

I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.

My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.

He described his son as “very mature”.

Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.

These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.

*Turns on work computer*

*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*

*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*

last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window

ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.

Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.

[in HR]

We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”

I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.

*first day as a conductor

“Tickets, please”

*the orchestra is confused

I slept like shit.

– how adults say “good morning”

cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them

Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?

Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on

I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”

I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.

Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.

My kids lost a Barbie shoe.

I dug in the trash and found one.

It was from a set they didn’t know was missing

Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.

Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.

When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.

Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.

That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.

Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores

Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?

8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!

Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos

[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree