I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
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My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
me when the borders lift
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.