Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i- i did not expect this

I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.

Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?

Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.

Interviewer: How soon can you start?

HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES

Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe

A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:

-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip

These apps are getting out of control.

There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.

It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money

Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.

ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking

I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.

Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.

You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.

I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.

Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.

*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.

Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.

[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?

Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.

side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close

me: it’s fine there’s room

side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU

Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene

My biological clock is wheezing.

My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.

I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”

Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.

I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”

Now, I’m blocked.

[first day in prison]

ME: so whatcha in for?

HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions

ME: how many is too many?

HUGE CELLMATE: one

ME: oh no

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues

True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.

As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.

*flirting poorly at the grocery store*

me: so do you eat food often?

Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”