I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
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Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…