I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
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Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN