I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
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“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
How do I explain to my 19 month old that a seahorse doesn’t say “neigh?”
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.