I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
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Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
It’s crazy I need a certificate to prove I was born when you can literally just look at me
[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you