I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.

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1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s


The only reason why i am fat is because a tiny body could not store all this huge personality.


Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.


me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger

tger: give it back


People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!


Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.


Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.


Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.

Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.