@RobDenBleyker

I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.

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@AdamOfEarth

10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s

@iGreenMonk

The only reason why i am fat is because a tiny body could not store all this huge personality.

@AmishPornStar1

Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.

@funflaps

me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger

tger: give it back

@WilliamAder

People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!

@jmspool

Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.

@TheToddWilliams

[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.

@BoomBoomBetty

Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.

Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.