I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
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[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
put ‘er there pardner!
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.