Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.

Body: I need water.

Me: Diet Coke?

Body: No, water.

Me: Wine?

Body: NO, WATER!

Me: Coffee it is.

*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*

Me: “How do you pronounce that?”

Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”

I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.

[texting my wife from the barber]

WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:

“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?

When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations

Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket

Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment

Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card

Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*

Boss: Sonofa

I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.

Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!

Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.

Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.

Class: you want us to what

Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy

People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.

The Blob: Bakery Beginning!

ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*

Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong

I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.

What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: No

ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.

No laws when master is gone

get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind

You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle

I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset

I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.

Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?

Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.

What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not

[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*

Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.

Thanks, Rihanna.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.

How times have changed.