Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.

this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭

Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.

My blood type is coffee.

Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?

Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.

Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.

WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.

[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?

Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.

This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.

“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend

I made some fish tacos today…

But they just ignored them and swam away…

Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.

[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]

*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*

My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?

I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.

My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!

Then he held up my driver’s license

Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.

starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes

house sitting!

For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.

A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.

[Inventor of scented candles]

What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?

date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist

Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.

me: do you have these but in the pretzel version

pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank

Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs

“What seems to be the problem, officer?”

I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!

if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown

“How stressed are you?”

Me: