I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
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[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost
I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Ghost costume 😂
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!