I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
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They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
I saw this ending much differently.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”