I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
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No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??