I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
You Might Also Like
A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs
My Guy
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
mice after a breakup be like “we are not on squeaking terms”
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money