I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
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Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
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Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
this has done me in for some reason
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin