I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
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It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage