I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
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Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Left at a local drug store…
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Does your wife know you’re single?
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe