I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
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My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
on da cob, we all corn
realest tweet ever.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you