I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
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White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.
Police say they have several leads
#Police
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
@funTweeters
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.