I hope you folks are recycling correctly
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My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings