Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.

Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”

[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here

Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?

I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.

Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.

Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.

me: i had an accident

insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants

“You saw nothing.”

-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash

Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork

My son: No thanks

*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*

ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?

I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.

CW: I think you’re two-faced

Me: Why don’t you say that to my face

CW: I just did!

Me: No. My other face.

“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.

wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices

me: ok, let’s start tomorrow

[next day]

me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home

wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!

Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.

Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.

I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.

WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket

MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…

Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras

my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped

Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.

I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.

You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.

What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?

[first date]

ME: How do you spend your free time?

HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?

ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.

The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.

INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]