I hope you folks are recycling correctly
You Might Also Like
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
dutch so unserious
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.