I hope you folks are recycling correctly
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Human are so complicated
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)