I hope you folks are recycling correctly
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Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
never compromise your values
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.