I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”
-me, explaining why I can’t move my back
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
#SaturdayBears
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
The answer is funnier than the question
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
The Most Popular Apps:
*Door Bash, the delivery app for face punches
*NapChat, the messenger app for sleepy time
*Robe Locks, the bathrobe security app
*Air B&E, the apartment sharing app for burglars
*Andy Crush, the app that tells Andrew Garfield if you think he’s cute
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
