I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone
me: whoa magic
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
…u ok Nintendo?
Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
