Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.

EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?

Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.

Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.

Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?

😂😂

My husband and I are having a serious fight.

Do you think I should let him know about it?

Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

mandolin: finally a violin for men

There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.

I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.

Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”

Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels

Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE

I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.

Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy

80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.

A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo

ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*

DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?

ME:

DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now

Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.

“Pass the joint.”

-Cannibals at dinner

waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.

Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.

My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…

Me, in the DMV waiting room

*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW

*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER

All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.

Muppet Screams

Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL

* hangs up land-line *

An odd boast

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.