I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
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Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses